Converse!

Things Don’t Always Seem ‘Jolly’.

I just kind of feel a tad bit guilty. My best guy friend, fell for me. And i really don’t know what to do.  My best guy friend, Elier, is my now friend again, Selena’s ex-first-boyfriend. And i’m spinning with thoughts and guilt trips.  I really don’t know my life anymore. It seemed to be going pretty awesome. But i just don’t know anymore. Things have gotten complicated and intricate. It’s like a tangled mess of shoelaces or ribbons or something hard to de-tangle. Everyone has their hidden things. Elier, liking me. Selena, wanting to be my friend again. And Heather, my other best friend, totally drew this drawing that really got me confused on what the fuck she drew it for. It really creeped me out.

.ugh.so.pissed.off.™

^Went to the concert. I SO FREAKIN LOVED it!! That night was awesome! Except Flyleaf wasn’t there.

Really. I so feel like these lyrics were like made for me. The only reason that I even know these lyrics was because i went to the concert. Maybe it was just fate. I super love that song and that night! Yes, I’m aware the it was like a month ago, but it was my first concert. I was super excited that I went to go see Red/Seether for my first concert. It wouldv’e been more awesome if Flyleaf had been at the concert. I would’ve seriously lived in that day forever. I can clearly remember that day. The upset news of Flyleaf, the train ride to Belmont, the waiting, the hot guy in back of us, and the concert. The moshing ( with the stupid posers trying to be ‘in’.) Everything was just awesome. I can’t believe I actually went.

My ‘mother’, was being all mad at me. Called Selena’s cell and I answered. She bitched at me and told me to come home. I don’t see why I couldn’t stay later. There’s nothing else to do here. I’m stuck on the computer all day until i have to go to sleep. I’m usually out until 9 and then come home, but I’m always at Selena’s. She’s being to unreasonable. She such a bitch! I don’t like her. I wish she wasn’t my ‘mother’. I just always have wished for a better family. Some that won’t tell me to ”quit my shit” or call me ”inhuman”. I need a new family. Maybe I can divorce my parents as soon as I get older. Hmm. That would be an awesome idea. Oh well for now, I can’t. Until then, later.

♥.enika.™

.yup.i.did.™

Yup I did. I fucked up. Not too much. I had a bag of chips. Which to be exact had 1,200 mg of sodium and at least 600 calories.

-1 bag of chips
-1 barbecue chip
-1 chocolate chip granola bar
-1 combo pretzel thing
-water

This isn’t good. I mean I’m already going to have pizza tomorrow morning. For some writing ceremony thing. Then i have to exercise like it’s the end of the world. I can’t have excess fat on me when I have to look good for these stupid trips. Besides, I don’t want to be the fat freshman in a school full of skinny girls. Ugh, exercise is all I have in my schedule. Well, I think I need some shut eye. Later.

&hearts.enika.™

.ugh.™

^^ My first (crappy) video. Hehe.

I just finished eating. So far today I’ve eaten…

-3 small cookies in the packages
-A little cup of peaches
-1/2 of an orange
-3/4 of a peanut butter sandwich with 2 breads
-1 bowl of salad with French dressing

I know I’m going to fuck up and eat something else. I just hope I can stick to water now. I’ve noticed that when I’m mad, I loose my appetite. I can’t eat when I’m mad. But I think when I’m sad, I can eat. I don’t know. I mean I shouldn’t even be thinking about this. I’m probably going to end up going downstairs with my cousins, ad they’re going to have A LOT of junk food. My little cousin is loaded, which is probably the reason he weights 110. He’s only 9. It’s not good. I mean I’m 14, and I weight 144. Yeah I know, I’ fat. Don’t say it. I’m working on it, okay? Well I have to go work-out. I’ll write back later if I fuck up.

♥.enika.™

.tonights.been.so.long.™

Look at this video. I love love love this song. It’s just too awesome not to share it. I mean, yeah.

I worked out around 2 hours. I’m hurting sore! I didn’t eat too much, more like 1 Airhead and water. It’s close to bedtime now, so i might drink some more water and just go exercise some more. I have to be shaped for graduation. Springfield even. I mean i have to. I have to show these girls are like 1/2 my size! Well except one, and well, she’s an exception. She’s a bestie. I can’t comment on her weight. Even is she wanted me to. I can’t. It’s like girl code. And the other bestie? Well she’s half my size too. She’s like super skinny!! And not to mention like 3 inches taller than me. She’s like someone i want to be. She’s my real like thinspiration. In high school, i don’t want to be the fat freshman who gets picked on. And worse? An ‘emo’ as they say. Which I’m not! I mean how could they say that? I don’t wear black and wear eye liner everyday. I am NOT ‘emo’! Besides how can you be ‘emo’ when ‘emo’ is a music genre? Ugh, people are such hypocrites.

Okay so the, half my size bestie, is missing? Christina, which is the girl who Heather’s (bestie) sister hangs out with, just rang my doorbell. She said that they couldn’t find Heather. Okay, something’s missing here. I mean if she;s not at her Aunt Linda’s house, or at her house, then…she ran away? I don’t know. I’ll see what went wrong tomorrow at lame school. For now i’ll get back to my water and sit-ups at bedtime. Later.

♥.enika.™

.today.sucked.big.time.™

Ugh. I can’t believe how much i ate today!! I ate like it was the end of the world. I had

-3 chicken nuggets
-1 whole World’s Finest Chocolate Bar
-Beans
-Tortilla Chips
-Sour Cream
-Mexican Cheese
-Ginger Ale
-2 Airheads
-3/4 of a bag of Chilli Cheese Chips
-Some Sourheads Rips (maybe around 10)
-Gum
-Tic Tacs

I think that’s about it. I know I’m going to end up eating more. I’m going to have to exercise around 3-4 hours just to burn off these calories. I gotta go workout. Maybe until i go to sleep or somehing. Otherwise, I’m going to end up relapsing. Later.

&hearts.enika.™

.trust.company.drop.to.zero.™

“Drop to Zero, Drop
(its happening again)
I feel boxed in, (its happening again)
I’m trapped inside, (its happening again)
Feels like the world’s closing in (its happening again)
and there’s nowhere to hide

This time nothing feels right to me,
I’m sinking deeper within,
I’ll wait for you to loose sight of me,
Before I suffer again.

(its happening again)
I feel strapped down, (its happening again)
While you feed the disease, (its happening again)
i’m lying face on the ground (its happening again)
For the whole world to see.

This time nothing feels right to me,
I’m sinking deeper within,
I’ll wait for you to loose sight of me,
Before I suffer again.

Drop, Drop, Drop to Zero. Drop, Drop.
Now I’m so far away.
This time nothing feels right to me,
I’m sinking deeper within,
I’ll wait for you to loose sight of me,
Before I suffer again.
Now I’m so far away. Now I’m so far away. Now I’m so far away.”

Lemme know what you think these lyrics might be about. :]

♥.enika.™

.past.few.weeks.™

These past weeks have just been horrible. It’s just like i try right, and everything goes wrong. I’m trying to get in shape for graduation and the luncheon. I have a feeling next month is going to kill me. By June 12, i HAVE to have a flat stomach. I just have to. I mean that’s Springfield and I’m wearing tank tops and a skirt with flip flops. I mean you just have to look good for that.

June 17, is Navy Pier. It’s not too important. I just still have to look good. By June 20th, i should at least have shaped legs for the luncheon. I have to be PERFECT by at least June 23, which is graduation day. Workout everyday after school and eat salads. Drink water and /or Crystal Lite. It’s all i can do. Fruits and vegetables only. I can’t cheat. I mean it will be hard. By August 16th, i should be at least 100 so i could wear a bikini to Wisconsin Dells. I want to look good. I mean it’s my last year and by September, i should be still perfect. Cause I’m probably going to end up going to my sister’s school. The one where al the girls i hate are going to go. I just hate it! I mean how can you force me to a school that i just won’t go to?

Anyways, i can hardly believe this year has gone by so fast. Next thing i know it it’ll be around September time. Starting school. Maybe it’s cause this year’s coming to an end. I’m so going to miss Heather and Selena. They both have helped me get through this year. Yes we’ve had our fights. But I’m the one who has always started them, and apologized. 8th grade is going to be over and done with in about a month or so.

This year so far I have:

-Stopped with Ed and SH for a couple of months.
-Gone to see Red/Seether in Concert. (It was the Flyleaf Concert, but they cancelled it.)
-Had Happy days
-Had sucky days
-Been outside in the rain
-Had my heart broken by a stupid crush
-Stopped realizing that LOVE is real
-Stopped loving
-Stopped feeling
-Been outside in cold weather (hehe)
-Ate McDonald’s.
-Ate fatty foods
-Ate salads
-Drank LOTS of water
-Won a Young Authors competition
-Got my story submitted to (maybe) be turned into a script
-Had BEST friends
-Fought with them
-Fought with Family

And that’s about it so far. All i have to say is that i hope things turn out better for me in high school. Don’t even say that high school everything’s going to get tough. Yes i know. But hopefully I’ll be one of the few who try to be ‘perfect’ and try not to screw up my life. Ha! That inevitable. I know I’m going to screw it up. Probably get into parties and sneak out or something. I don’t really know.

We might move. Or so I heard today this morning. Typical Mexican family. Fighting about money and houses early on the last weekend day. I hope we move. I’m tired of this house and all the shit I’ve done here. It’s like i need something new. Something to refresh my whole person. New high school, new people, new house, and new neighbourhood. I know if i keep living here, I’m bound to relapse even more than I already have. I’ve tried to stop, but with all these people i know, who keep shoving food in my face, I’m bound to make it happen, again. I just want to move and start anew. Cause at this rate, i don’t see my future. I want to be free from this. And i can’t do it with all these memories.

Later. ♥.enika.™

.RED.the.band.LIVE.widget.™